Sent on another journey... with Grace

So here I am again, a mother grieving for another lost child. It's been a while since I've written and I feel bad, but sometimes it's hard and I want to keep my thoughts to myself. I think in doing that perhaps I'm keeping my child to myself; holding on to him tightly.

However, it is time to write again, because we have been placed on another journey of a family with another child taken too soon. On November 10, 2011 we delivered our daughter. Another child born silent into this world. Another part of my heart torn to pieces. We were 18 weeks into the pregnancy.

The story of Marlena Grace...

She snuck up on us and we were surprised! Our hearts were still aching over the loss of Myles and some how we were quickly blessed to have another child coming into our lives. We were on a quick trip to Wisconsin Dells. Ugh, I was so sick with a head cold. I had taken a Benedryl on Saturday and one on Sunday. I really wanted to take a different medication, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't pregnant first (just a gut feeling). In the early hours I woke up before the rest of the family and told Tom I was going to Walgreens for some different medicine and a pregnancy test. I arrived back at the hotel room as the girls were still sleeping and quickly took the test. To our complete surprise, it was positive. We were expecting again.

Oh the rush of feelings. Happiness for another opportunity. Sadness for the reminder of our child taken from us. We were planning on trying again, this just happened a little quicker than we thought it would happen. Would the pregnancy be viable since it happened so quickly? It was so hard to keep our secret for the remainder of the trip. I wanted to share our news in hopes that it would bring some happiness into the lives of those we hold dearly. Quickly I took a picture and texted it to some friends. They were surprised and so happy for us, and, I'm sure scared for us too. Probably not as scared as we were though.

As soon as we returned home I called the doctor and made an appointment. First blood work though. All levels were good. The doctor was rather surprised too. I sensed a little caution in her voice at that first visit. We'd watch the pregnancy closely at the beginning, appointments every two weeks. Heck, I'd go in everyday if necessary. I'd do anything for my children. It was hard going only every two weeks. About 10-11 days after each appointment, I'd start to get that nervous feeling again. I swear at each appointment I nearly hyperventilated. I anxiously waited in the room. Even more anxiously anticipated as we would wait to hear the heartbeat. What made it worse - this one was stubborn. Every time we'd listen to the heartbeat, it was difficult to find.

This was the easiest of all pregnancies. I was never sick. I had energy. It was great. At my appointments with the doctor I would tell her I was worried because I wasn't sick. Can you believe that? Complaining because I'm not sick? I was just worried that my lack of nausea was an indication that the pregnancy wasn't viable. That my hormone level was too low. Needless to say, my doctor that it was funny. That she had women in and out of her office all day long complaining about being ill and here I was complaining that I wasn't ill.

Those women had the ability to be naive about the possibilities of a pregnancy going wrong.

Finally we hit the second trimester and my doctor wanted one more ultrasound done by her. She felt everything was going well and released me to the 1x/month visit. To which I replied, "What happens when I start completely freaking out in two weeks?" Her response: No problem. We'll make an appointment for two weeks. :) Two weeks later everything is still good. Ultrasound were great. Amnio results looked great - it was a girl! We're in the second trimester and moving along wonderfully. Well, except for the fact that, after a loss, you never believe in 'great' again. I did my best to keep hope though. I mean, what's the chance of having two second trimester losses? Very slim.

We told our family. It was difficult to hide the belly anymore. Our daughters were excited. They knew I was pregnant. Apparently, our youngest had been snooping in our room and found some of the freebies from the doctor. I guess I'll have to watch out with Christmas gifts now!

Two weeks after that, things went to hell.

Tuesday, November 8: All day at work I had been having cramps. They started off pretty mild. They type where you think, "Are these cramps or just muscle stretching pains?" At the end of the day, I was quite uncomfortable. My entire mid section around to my back was in pain. I felt like I just wanted to wrap an ice pack around me. Fortunately, I had an appointment with my doctor already scheduled for that afternoon. My husband was meeting me so we could go to it together.

Finally called back. The dreaded no heartbeat again. Changing doppler routine, again. It's not the damn doppler! Put me on the ultrasound. Oh this routine is just too, too familiar. I tell the nurse I've been cramping all day. My doctor wanted to do the ultrasound. The baby had her back turned towards us, so it was hard to tell on the screen whether there was a heartbeat or not. The doctor didn't seem hopeful, but wanted to send us to the hospital to have an ultrasound there to make sure.

We get to the hospital and the ultrasound tech actually said she'd rather my husband wait in the waiting room for us. Are you kidding??? I told her I'd rather he come with. Did she really think he came along so he could just sit in a room by himself and send me to another room to be witness to hell by myself?

My doctor showed up at the hospital to continue the ultrasound. No heartbeat, confirmed. No blood flow to the baby, confirmed. She spent quite a bit of time looking at all the organs, the placenta, etc. She could see no abnormalities. "You know how we do this Deb. You know what is going to happen. When do you want to go into the hospital?"

Oh God, not again. I don't think I have the strength in me to go through this again. It sucks knowing the 'second trimester pregnancy loss delivery routine'.

Wednesday, November 9: 7:00 a.m. hospital admittance. It was a rainy, cold day. The weather reflected my heart. I was hoping desperately not to have another pregnant woman walking in at the same time I was as what happened with Myles. Fortunately, this one prayer was answered. Why just this prayer? Procedures as before. The nurses remember us. What they don't remember is any mom in the hospital ever being there for two second trimester losses. I'm the only patient of my doctor who has had this happen, and she is the busiest doctor in our area. The doctor offered me something to help me sleep. This time I took it because I knew I had a long day and night ahead of me, but I would wait for a while before I took it. The intake this time was much quicker. We didn't need all the counseling we had with Myles - we knew what was going on. We knew the answers for the questions. Joan, the bereavement nurse we had, was not working that day. However, she was contacted by the other nurses and she came in to see us. She stayed for quite a while. We talked about how shocking this was to happen again; about how even the doctor was shocked and sad.

Thursday, November 10 12:08 a.m.: Marlena Grace made her silent entrance into this world. She was 7 inches long and weighed 5 ounces. Holding her was an all to familiar feeling. Why were we going through this again? Oh, those tiny fingers and toes. Oh, that tiny little nose. She looked like Madison. How can such a small little being look so much like her big sister? It was that button nose. She had Madison's button nose.

We received another memory box. More tiny footprints and hand prints. Another blanket for a baby that will never be wrapped in it again. Another heart pendant to put on my necklace. I find myself holding on to those pendants so often throughout the day. They help me center myself. Holding those, closing my eyes, and taking a deep breath.

We have had so much support - food, phone calls, cards, flowers. Every little bit helps. It's nice to know that, although I feel like I am alone, I'm not. I have some people in my life that I can call and just say, "It's not a good day." And that helps. Just getting those five words out helps some. It eases the burden.

I am sad about this loss. Just as I was sad about Myles. This time though, I have a lot of anger in me also. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings. Now we have months of testing to go through. Why did this happen? In nearly 50% of repeated pregnancy losses a reason is never found. That is staggering! If I could only see into the future, maybe it would help if I knew where this journey was going to take us.

Myles sent us on a journey. Grace will see us through.