Get togethers

I've always been a pretty social person. Most of the time I like to be around people. Don't get me wrong, there are times I enjoy peace and quiet also. I've always enjoyed holidays but now holidays are dreadful. I'm happy for my kids. Kids love holidays and they always make holidays more exciting. It's not that I don't enjoy the thought of a holiday, it's just that it's hard to be around a crowd of people.

My mom always has a picnic at her house for the Fourth of July. This year so much of me didn't want to go. I didn't want to be around a bunch of people. I especially didn't want to be around a bunch of Type 3 people. There were a slew of them there who didn't bother to call or send a note. Shame on them. We did go although we went much later than we usually do and I wasn't much of a conversationalist.

In some ways it is difficult to be around others. My preference would be to just stay in bed under the covers day in and day out. I haven't done that yet which, I guess, is good. When I am around others, I do it in small doses. It's not that I don't still love the people in my life. I certainly do. It's hard to explain. As many words as there are in the English language, there is not a single word which describes the feelings one has after the loss of a child.

The biggest get together we have attended since the loss of Myles happened this weekend. We were invited to a party at the home of one of my husband's co-workers. We went - late. We didn't leave our house until nearly 9:00 p.m. That's late for us to leave the house. It was nice that it was dark out. Perhaps the darkness left a little bit of anonymity for us. On our way there I was hoping to not see two things: 1. A pregnant woman. 2. A newborn. I fear these two things like a vampire fears the sunlight. Fortunately, neither of the above were there. Either that or it was too dark to tell. We were there for a couple of hours and I enjoyed myself as much as I could. I was rather quiet. I think people around me are having a hard time with my quietness, they're not used to it at all. One of my husband's co-workers talked to us about Myles. It was nice that he asked and I actually felt some relief when he did. When someone asks about us, how we're doing or the I'm sorry, I don't know what to say, etc. and I'm able to reply it's as if a bit of pressure is released. It's still close enough to the loss of our child that it is still on everyone's mind so when they ask me about it, I can talk about it and feel relief. When they don't ask me about it, I know it's still on their mind and it's on my mind so there is a tension in the air. The tension of unspoken words.